When we sent our son to college, I cried. He’s our oldest, and I worried about whether he’d get enough to eat or enough sleep. I wondered whether he would actually go to class, act responsibly, handle decisions he’d never faced before, and feel accepted and included.
But never once did I wonder whether he would be raped.
He’s a college sophomore now and thriving. He comes home less often and has a whole life we only hear about when he decides to share it. He’s told us about crazy things his friends have done and things he’s witnessed at parties.
But none of those stories involved being invited to sexually assault someone or walking into a room where a woman was too intoxicated to consent.
Next Year, Our 17-Year-Old Twin Daughters Will Leave For College, And My Fears Feel Totally Different
Of course, we talked to our son about safety and consent. But the conversations we have with our daughters go further.
We talk about sexual assault and people slipping drugs into drinks (any drink...not just alcohol). We tell them to call us when they leave and when they get home. We remind them to make sure a friend knows their plans and will stay in contact, just in case.
We warn them that men who act like friends may have other motives. We tell them not to walk alone or go somewhere with a guy they don’t know, even if he seems cool. I hate that we even caution them about being overly flirty; not because flirting excuses anything, but because rejecting the wrong guy can make him angry.
Every time they leave the house, we remind them to watch their drinks, pay attention to their surroundings, stay together, and get out of situations that make them uncomfortable.
These are not reminders we constantly give our son.
My daughters got cute little containers of pepper spray in their Christmas stockings last year to attach to their keychains.
We’ve never given our son anything meant to protect him from a sexual predator.
I know boys and men can also experience sexual violence, but the warnings we give our daughters are constant in a way they’ve never been with our son.
The allegations involving a former Cornell student and the renewed investigation into how Jane Doe’s case was handled have made the thought of sending my daughters away even more terrifying.
The case has also brought out the same questions people so often ask when sexual assault is alleged.
Was she drinking?
Had she agreed to something earlier?
Why was she there?
What was she wearing?
Was she leading someone on?
But those questions cannot answer the question of consent at a different moment. Consent to one act is not consent to another, and consent can be withdrawn.
None of this means allegations should be treated as proof, or that the facts of any individual case don't matter. They do. But we should be able to examine disputed cases without falling back on the idea that a woman drinking, flirting, going to a fraternity house, or consenting to one sexual act amounts to blanket consent for everything that happens afterward.
Consent To One Act Isn’t Consent To Everything That Follows
Drinking does not erase a person's right to set sexual boundaries, and being too intoxicated to consent is not consent. And no woman should have to be perfectly sober, perfectly cautious, and perfectly behaved before people believe she deserves not to be assaulted.
Yet every time another case like this comes to light, people still find ways to blame the woman. Sexual violence can leave survivors carrying trauma for years, yet when allegations emerge, the conversation can quickly shift toward whether an accused man’s future will be “ruined.”
I know we’ve raised strong, independent young women. They know everything I’ve learned and experienced about being a young woman around entitled men. They’re smart, aware, and capable of looking after themselves.
The hardest thing for me to accept is that none of that guarantees their safety.
We can give them pepper spray, track their locations, and remind them to stay with friends. We can prepare them for every situation we can imagine, but we can’t predict every situation they may face. We still can’t protect them from everything. It’s exhausting to try.
We spend so much time teaching our daughters how to avoid being assaulted when we should be spending far more time teaching young men about consent, boundaries, intervention, and accountability.
So why do we put so much energy into giving daughters endless safety rules without putting that same energy into teaching sons accountability?
Young Men Need More Than “No Means No”
They need to understand that silence isn’t consent, intoxication isn’t consent, and consent can be withdrawn at any time.
They need to know that respecting women isn’t limited to women they love or women who remind them of their sisters.
They need to speak up when their friends cross a line instead of joining in, looking away, laughing along, or staying silent. Above all, they need to be held accountable; not protected from consequences because people are more worried about their futures than the lives of the women they hurt.
We’re a broken record with our son about consent and treating women with respect. We want him to understand that stopping sexual violence isn’t only a lesson for his sisters.
Stopping sexual violence is his responsibility, too.
I don’t have all the answers. I only know that the fears I have about sending our daughters to college are very different from the fears I had when my son left.
And that difference should terrify all of us.