I once read an article written by a male OB/GYN about one of his patients in her early thirties who was devastated to learn she was already in perimenopause. According to him, she had been given the impression that she could have children whenever she wanted, only to discover that it might now be too late.
The message seemed clear: Young women, consider yourselves warned.
But one person’s experience with fertility isn’t everyone’s experience. Perimenopause in your early thirties can happen, but it isn’t the norm. And even during perimenopause, pregnancy can still be possible.
Still, I spent years scared that I wouldn’t find someone to have a child with in time. If I wanted a baby, I thought, I needed to hurry.
Then I started learning more about my own fertility.
About a year and a half ago, I had my anti-Müllerian hormone (AMH) level checked. To my surprise, it came back around 4. The following year, at 33, I froze my eggs in New Mexico. Doctors retrieved 17 eggs.
My experience certainly isn’t universal. That’s exactly the point. Fertility varies enormously from person to person, and an individual woman’s reproductive future cannot be reduced to one birthday.
So where did our fixation with 35 come from?
Part of the mythology surrounding female fertility and age has been traced to centuries-old demographic data from France. Historical birth records were later used to make assumptions about how fertility changed with age, despite the obvious differences between women living hundreds of years ago and women trying to conceive today.
That doesn’t mean age is irrelevant. Fertility does decline as we get older, and that decline becomes more pronounced in the later thirties. But turning 35 isn’t the equivalent of flipping an infertility switch.
My own family is proof that pregnancy doesn’t always follow the timeline we expect. My mom was 41 when I was born. My dad was 49 and turned 50 shortly afterward.
Plenty of women have also become mothers later in life, including public figures. Hilary Swank became a first-time mom to twins at 48, while Janet Jackson welcomed her son, Eissa, at 50. These examples aren’t proof that everyone can or will conceive at those ages, but they are reminders that there is no single path to motherhood.
There are, of course, additional considerations as maternal age increases. Fertility generally declines, miscarriage becomes more common, and the chances of certain chromosomal conditions and pregnancy complications increase. Those realities deserve accurate information and conversations with medical professionals, not scare tactics.
The conversation also becomes more complicated when we talk about why people are having children later.
A declining fertility rate doesn’t necessarily mean people are becoming biologically infertile. In demographic terms, it means people are having fewer children. At the same time, the age at which many women become mothers has been rising.
And why wouldn’t it?
Women today may spend more time building careers, pursuing an education, traveling, dating, figuring out what they actually want, or simply enjoying their lives before deciding whether motherhood belongs in the picture.
Money matters, too. Housing is expensive. Childcare can cost a small fortune. For plenty of people, delaying parenthood isn’t about rejecting children. It’s about trying to reach a point where having one feels financially possible.
There are also more reproductive options available than previous generations had, although access to those options is far from equal.
I was fortunate to have money from my dad’s life insurance policy that I could put toward freezing my eggs. I know that isn’t an option everyone has. I wish fertility preservation were financially accessible to more people who want or need it.
Freezing my eggs didn’t guarantee me a future baby. What it gave me was another option.
And maybe that’s what we should be giving women more of: options, accurate information, and enough space to make decisions about their bodies without treating 35 like an expiration date.
Age matters. Biology matters. Your individual health matters.
But so does your life.
Have children. Don’t have children. Have them earlier. Have them later. Explore your options if you want to.
Just don’t let an arbitrary birthday make the decision for you.