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# Perimenopause Stole My Sleep, My Patience, and Apparently My Vocabulary
- URL: https://www.tawnymagazine.com/perimenopause-stole-my-sleep-my-patience-and-apparently-my-vocabulary/
- Published: 2026-11-07T11:20:00.000Z
- Updated: 2026-11-08T00:58:54.000Z
- Description: Night sweats, brain fog, surprise chin hairs, and periods that refuse to quit. A brutally honest, hilarious look at the realities of perimenopause nobody warned us about.
- Author: Natalie Hoage
- Tags: Women's Health, Perimenopause, Menopause, Midlife, Personal Stories, All Lifestyle

I’m 52, in relatively good health, and have one thing to say: perimenopause can kiss my ass.

Before I began experiencing it, I didn’t know much about it because, let’s face it, it’s still one of those taboo topics nobody likes to talk about. I knew my periods would eventually stop… something to look forward to. Cool, right?

Well, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but there’s a lot more to it than that. We hear plenty about eating more protein and adding strength training, but somehow I missed the conversation about losing [the hair on your head](https://www.tawnymagazine.com/i-tried-lanese-beauty-hair-oil-and-my-frizz-has-some-thoughts/) and finding it on your chin. I've got a nice little mustache coming in, too.

I never dealt with acne as a teen, so I’m super excited that I get to deal with it now.

Oh, and gaining weight that refuses to leave. I weigh more now than I did when I delivered [my twins](https://www.tawnymagazine.com/i-sent-my-son-to-college-without-the-fears-i-have-for-my-daughters/) at eight months pregnant. Two babies. I’m currently carrying zero babies.

## Wait, What Was I Just Saying?

Did I already mention the forgetfulness?

I was talking to my neighbor about gardening the other day. I told her I’d asked ChatGPT what I should do with the empty space under our deck, and it suggested a… what’s the word? A garden for plants that don’t like the sun? You know, plants that grow in the shadows?

A shadow garden?

Y’all. I couldn’t think of the word “shade.”

Then there’s the period situation. I went eight months without one and thought I was getting close to that 12-month mark that officially wins us the menopause medal: no more periods! Instead, my periods returned sporadically, followed by one that lasted a month straight. That finally sent me to my OB/GYN.

And the sleep? Exhausted all day, finally fall asleep, wake up covered in sweat… sometimes more than once a night. Then lie there wondering whether you’ll get back to sleep before the alarm goes off.

So my doctor prescribed medication to help with the night sweats. Months later, I learned it could also be causing my weight gain. Fantastic. Do I want to exchange night sweats for getting fatter than I already am?

## Menopausal Misery Loves Company

And since misery loves company, I asked my Facebook friends to share their experiences. They had plenty to say.

One friend summed up just how unprepared she’d felt:

> “I'm so glad you're writing about this. I thought perimenopause would just be some mood swings and hot flashes for six months or so. Holy shit, was I ignorant and uninformed.”

She described “whack-a-mole joint pain, itchy skin in unreachable places, hulk-like fits of irritability, brain fog thicker than Kim Kardashian’s ass, and the libido of a corpse.”

Her closing thought? “Ah, the joys of being… wait, what was I talking about again?”

Another friend had nearly reached the finish line:

> “I had gone almost 11 months with no period and honestly thought I was almost through it, and then I started cycling with my teenage daughter. For two months. So had to start the count over.”

One friend voiced a frustration plenty of us share:

> “All I can say is if men had to go through this, they would have found a cure for it. It’s hard for me to fathom that they can’t find a way to make this an easier transition in life.”

And another accidentally gave the whole experience a better name: “I accidentally called it Peril-menopause, and it fits!!”

Seriously, it really does.

Apparently, I’m not the only one who had no idea what to expect. Talking about it hasn’t fixed anything, but at least we can compare notes and laugh about it together.

And the more we share, the easier it is for someone else to say, “Wait, me too!” Check out the [We Do Not Care Club](https://wedonotcareclub.com/?ref=tawnymagazine.com) if you haven't already. There’s a whole movement of fed-up women ready to talk about it.

**I’d say more, but I’ve forgotten my point and need to go check for new gray, wiry eyebrow hairs to pluck.**